learning

thoughts

i once read this quote on erykah badu's website that life is process of creation instead of one of discovery. i like that idea. being a creative person isn't about being "artsy" or having locks or burning inscents. everyone can, and should, in a sense, be a creative person. the core of me is getting stronger. i'm finding that i have energy to focus. the strength to drag a good a idea out of the realm of thought. as i'm getting older i'm finding that it's not that people don't have good ideas. it's just the followthru that trips so many people up. ask me how i kno...
i guess i had a bit of luck here lately. a while back, by boy evan was back from college and chocolate who plays drums was chillin with his girls at some jazz club that had this band wit some cats from VCU. we end up sitting in, which is to say, the whole band got up, and we sat down. i think towards the end the guitar player ending up sitting in with us. now i feel like our all being that was tacit prophecy.
about 2 weeks ago, i'm in the area and i decide to go in that same cafe and ask the lady for some gigs. no cds, no kit, no nothin. just off a whim. cigarette in hand, she pulls out her calender and starts showing me dates. meyes watering i ask "well don't u need to hear us?" she said, "well ur good right?" and there we have it.
so this is kinda sorta a big deal because it's getting to the point where i have to choose something to do with my life. like committ to something. i'm like a lot of like natural gifts but i don't feel as tho i've been the best steward of them. in terms of learning my craft, practicing, managing my time. but at the same time a guess everybody has to grow up. life isn't just music and everything that i've been through makes me who i am as a (muhfuggin beautiful) person, and your experiences also inform your playing. but having said that, i say i want to be a (jazz) piano player but yet i'm sporadic about my practicing, college seems far away and most of my playing is being done inside soandso's Baptist Church. i think there's a group of cats in Richmond who are started to take me in, and i'm thankful for that. but that's all somebody elses stuff. i want to do my thing. what is my thing? fuck if i kno! i don't think i've taken the time it really takes to find out.
so that's why playing a trio gig right now, at this moment really really really means a lot to me. in a lot of ways. we rehearsed today for like 6 hours and i was just so drained mentally afterwards. the idea of conceptualizing music is hard enough, and then one has to learn how to communicate. i'm nowhere close to that but this felt like a step in that direction. i wrote out a transcription of Peter Martin's arrangement of "You'd B So Nice 2 Cum Home 2" (i kno) and i arranged "Tomorrow" from Annie. No orginials yet but i'm sure they will come. i'm sure it will come. what?

all of it. until then...we playing 7-11 on Sunday the 11th of May at the Artist Underground. 1600 Monument Ave.

cool. peace--Calvin

yoooooooo!

so much on my mind and heart right now. it's been a while since I posted. the past year had been: horrendous, miraculous, dark, scary yet i'm better because of it. my faith is more than what it was. and this is simply because i'm still here breathing. life was the book i read. faith is the wisdom i gained.
in retrospect i understand that like maybe i did too much. online. there was a time in my life when i was out of control and everyone could see everything. which was cool except for that fact that i myself was blind. and that can be kind of embarrassing. like having something stuck in your teeth. makes you grimace when you remember smiling...
so now there's his hesitance...to write, even to play the piano. to articulate things. i just want to be sure i can see myself. and at the same time thats what the blog or a diary was supposed to be about. and i guess involving other people in that process is just a matter of exchanging ideas. we make each other better. dig me?
the online world is funny. u see the randommest things. u keep up with people that otherwise you wouldn't call or write. It's so wierd I saw a lot of my friends finally like getting what they want in life...my boy just pledged alfa beta whatever (LOLfrats always make me thing of like, abc soup, don't ask) and 2 of my girls are in the process of pledging. my friends in new york are making moves, performing and recording on there own and with some big names. and i'm so happy for them all. the pictures are great. so much in a picture. i don't know about a thousand words but they're definately happy. and that's great to see.
so here i am: at home staying in the same bed i stayed in for the first 18 years of my life. in a state that i'm not crazy about. i'm not playing that much, though i would like to be. it's hard to say that you really go to a college if you don't stay on campus. so i go to school and pass by all these gorgeous people who are probably (hopefully?) cool and smart and it's like i could just touch them and or least say hello but i don't. and the painful part is that i could but i don't.
i don't know. it's a challenging place to be in. i'm thankful for so much. a year ago i was depressed. i lost the taste for music. my thinking was slow and muddy and life was like this dream. a movie i was watching. but now i'm getting back to being myself. i'm percieving things worth writing down. i'm creating in my head. i'm inspired and motivated.
but i understand that the whole world isn't just supposed to stop just because i'm ready to start living again. money isn't supposed to start growing on trees, it's not supposed to start raining friends. where do i start tho?
i guess i already have... this is the first thing i've written in months. MONTHS. like riding a bike....faster........
ya trick ya............
ya ya trick...........lol