Sometimes I just need to just speak plainly. Even though I am a writer. Perhaps especially because I am I writer. Sometimes I have to be my own best friend. my own father.
After one too many arguments, I now realize that I been trying to make Gods out of mere men. Mere women. Mere people--with emotions just as fragile as mine, with intellects just as meaningless as mines, with eyes just as clouded. I could not even be the friend I demand of my quote unquote friends.
It just came to me, real clear. People cannot give what they don’t have. Asking people who don’t know what love is to love me is like…asking Bush to speak intelligently, like asking me for patience, like Wynton trying to rap, like asking America for freedom. People cannot give you what they don’t have, what they don’t know. I struggle with the simple things in life, seriously.
So ima just stop asking folks, yo. I haven’t been just asking, I been begging. I play these really subtle games and things. I curse when I want to cry. I hurt because I want them to know exactly how that shit feels. Because a lot of the times, people don’t even know what they’re doing to me.
And I argue. I try to intellectualize legitimate, nonsensical emotions because people don’t respect feelings. They respect cause and effect. Logic and shit they can find in a book. But sometimes I’m like yo….even if u don’t understand, can u be there? I think this is the appeal of sex to me. And y I have so much of it. Just be there yo.
Fuck all that understanding foolishness. Because honestly, the same way u don’t understand you, I don’t get me. Anything else is a lie. And to touch is to be redeemed. And that is a lie. But a pretty one.
But I feel like I’m letting go of people by not arguing with them. Arguing is a manifestation of love. Because when you argue you’re saying that u value the other persons opinion. If u didn’t value their opinion, y would you argue? Sometimes I argue because I want them to be there. And so I think that some kind of intellectual understanding would make them act right. Make them love me.
But honestly, people use intellectual shit to tell lies. People intellectualize their fear, sadness. By intellectualize I mean try to justify themselves. I'm doing it now. Here's the honesty:
I’m soooo tired.
Of hurting.
So I’m not going to hurt anymore. And I’m going to fuck more often. Not because I’m shallow…but because sometimes that is the most u can ask from some people.
It’s not right, but it’s ok.
