i live my life trying to stay afloat in this sea of absolute boredom. when u’ve lived long enough, not that I’ve lived that long, u begin to understand that people are basically self-seeking. and anything that seem like altruism or love is just incidental.
that’s why I dig kids so much. because they are so honest. honestly selfish. they want what they want. sooner rather then later. and they don’t tell lies. that, to me is the root innocence. not purity of intent, but honesty of intention.
last Friday I had the pleasure/chore of attending my cuzins Kendall’s graduation from preschool to kindergarden. or from kindergarden to first, I forget.
it was cute. i’ve got the most prettiest, coolist cuzin on the earf, mayne. everything about her is perfect. i want one just like her.
iv’e been thinking about graduation and what that means. i graduated from high school last year, and some of my friends and other cuzins are going to that process now. it’s just interesting to watch their excitement and optimism. life has this way of beating that shit out of u. maybe this was just me, but i was never excited about graduating. I distinctly remember everyone around me being excited, and I remember feeling this vauge kind of pressure to be excited, somehow because they were exciting. all it meant to me was that i was free of that system, those teachers, and those students. it wasn’t that I hated everyone in my highschool, it was just that I felt that I had so little control over who I hung out with. i was in these higher level classes, with no black people. ok, one black person. so my friends that I hung out with in the hallway, I didn’t get to chill in class with. i had to cut up and make class interesting all by myself, which I’m capable of, but it wasn’t as much fun.
but anyways, my first year out of college has stripped me of my ideals. well almost. i really used to believe i was meant to change the planet, to help people, ect ect. but reality is that u can’t do none of that when ur broke. it’s all a game. i don’t mean game as in trivial, i mean game as in the way slinging crack is a game, or the way the music industry is a game. we’re playing for money (in most cases). and just now i understand that loosing is not an option.
everything at this point is a hustle. everything. the way I look. my body. my speech. my handshake. my smile. my music. my writing.
and this is what i’ve learned so far about the real world. makes me want to go back. back to innocence. to kindergarden. with my cuz. and color. outside the lines
